Have you ever seen yourself angry?
Really angry?
I did once going off at the kids when they were younger. I caught a reflection in the mirror on the wall of their bedroom.
I was in full Italian mode - all arms and frilly-lizard neck.
It was pretty ugly. The ultimate oxymoron.
It makes you realise what people see as you spit your venom.
Disturbingly, anger is the only emotion we humans don’t like to let go of.
In fact we call our hoarded wrath a name: resentment. The more the better, right? Why should we let the culprit off that lightly?
Can you imagine treating embarrassment or shame in the same way?
“Hey I wasn’t embarrassed enough vomiting on my shoes at the party last weekend…can you remind me what I did…?”
In its simplicity, anger is what we do when we experience a perceived injustice. It’s the feeling we get when we’ve been treated unfairly.
And you don’t have to look too far to hear a ‘should’ in there as well.
You get angry at the p plater for cutting you off because they SHOULD not put you in danger.
You lose your na na at the electricity bill because energy SHOULD not be this expensive.
In men’s groups I hear, “she SHOULD know when I want sex…”
Ugly.
Remember, all of these incidents are simply stimuli and we always, always have a choice to either react to the thing which 'makes' us angry or respond in a more flexible way.
Of course, occasional burst of anger is not usually a problem. Sometimes it is appropriate to feel angry as long as our response is in proportion to the situation.
It is the intensity and duration of our anger and the way we behave that determines whether or not our response is reasonable.
So before you blow your stack, ask yourself: What's my bigger goal here?
Is it to get on with people? To have happy well adjusted children? To have a good relationship with my partner? To avoid unnecessary stress? To enjoy the evening?
These are the things that matter.
Sure you can win the argument, rip a new one, tell them 'what for' - but at what ultimate cost?
Focusing on what matters avoids the unnecessary suffering which anger inflicts both in us and on others.
Knowing what matters will turn your ugly to pretty. And we all need more of that.
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